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Passing the bar March 29, 2008

Posted by leukemicnut in family.
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My sister passed the bar exams! Woohoo. Always had faith that she would. And God did answer our family’s prayer. Those times leading and during the bar exams were tough, really tough, but we held it together during long weekends, and bouts of depression and times of financial lack. During all these times, one thing was constant. God’s hand in everything. He was and is always there for my family. We have undergone so much loss for the past years, really placed a strain in our family, but through it all we learned to love each other more and just cherish each one.

Ang galing talaga ng Diyos. I am happy. Joyful. He really is God. Thank you, God.

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slugs March 27, 2008

Posted by leukemicnut in Factoids.
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This was quite disturbing at first, but after watching it closely, it was quite amazing. Really. Watching nature is really wonderful.

write March 26, 2008

Posted by leukemicnut in Life.
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I write to wallow. I write to sort of make sense of things. I write because I am lazy to study. I have been trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, why the constant mistakes despite the constant circumstances that they occur. I want to talk to someone, but what will I tell them, the fact that I did it again and that I am depressed and that tomorrow I hope to change, even now that is my resolve. But after a few months, it will be the same thing again. Same old sob story.

I do not know what to do really. I think everything in my life hangs on this. I know what must be done, but I really can’t do it. At this point, dying seems to be the easier route. But pain sucks, though I have a high threshold for it. I do not inflict pain unless it is already present, then I just aggravate it.

In a few days I will know the results of my mistake. I feel and know the effect on myself now, but how about others? Why will you not take this away? Why not just remove it. It’s as easy as pressing a key in this keyboard, for sure you can do that. But you don’t. I endure. I fail. I try again. I fail. I try again and again. I fail harder.

I am quite exhausted crying. The tears are no longer there. My eyes just bear the evidence of how I feel. But life has to go on. I will have to face the next seconds, hours, days. Breathing. But I want to feel more than that. I want things to be the way they were before. Before. I cling to every memory of that hoping it’s easy to go back. Is it? Is there still hope, space?

I just hope I always make the sensible decisions. The right one. But sadly, the opposite is true. Behind everything, there really is nothing. Void.

Pfft.

I hate having to save the environment March 21, 2008

Posted by leukemicnut in UP.
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Not really. I just hate that I have a take-home exam in law and environment and it is not easy. I have to read through 99 pages of JPEPA just to see it’s environmental repurcussions. That is just one of 11 questions. And it entails some research. Argh.

I just have to read up before that because I also have a finals exam on the same day.  So even though I have a Corpo exam in two days, I am researching or reading up on Baseline Law, Sharks, and Renewable Energy bill. I just wish I did not love the environment, which was the reason I enrolled in this class.

For Tita Emma March 20, 2008

Posted by leukemicnut in Life.
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This has been long overdue. My family have seen me cry about her death for maybe 3 times, I have bottled my emotions because I had to be strong for my ate, and Auntie Gud.  I may not cry as often as before, but I do get moments where I realize I won’t be going back home to Pangasinan and find her sweeping the terrace, or cooking my favorite pinakbet, or bringing home the cheap barbeque from the city proper which we eat for dinner.  I miss the lazy weekend afternoons where she would ask me to pluck her hair from her armpit for hefty amounts of cash, which I really do not remember receiving.  I miss the fact that she would always asked what I wanted when she goes to the city proper.  I miss the fact that she would allow me to eat all the skin of the chicken even though I know she liked them too.

My Tita was the one who brought me and my sister up, together with my mom.  When mama died, she took care of us and gave me all I needed. Yes, I am a spoiled brat.  She would allow me to get all the cereals I wanted, the milk I craved for and the chocolates that I loved.  She would allow me to borrow as many videos from video city, and she would call up on my birthday just to ask me how it was and if I was feeling okay because she knew I had a tendency to get sick when my birthday was around the corner.

I really miss her.  The last time I spent time with her, just the two of us, was when she was getting her radiation at FEU. I would drive her everyday and we would both wait until her turn came.  I would always tease her about many things and she would just smile at me or laugh at my jokes.  I was so excited to start working June of that year, 2007, but that did not happen.  I was not able to give her any of the things I wanted to give her.  I wanted to buy her clothes, perfume, her favorite Caress soap, which she uses as a soap and shampoo, and bring her to all the restaurants tha I love.  I wanted her to live comfortably and be able to just enjoy her retirement.  But she’s gone.  I wanted so many things for her and all that went down the drain.  I just really miss her. I want to turn back the time and tell her that I love her, countless times.

I remember the last time I saw her, a few hours before she died.  I sat beside her bed, and kissed her on the cheek, and told her I love her. She said something which I think was I love you too, then her face seemed like she knew that was the last time I would tell that to her and kiss her.  It breaks my heart that I was not there when she breathed her last, it breaks my heart that I was impatient with her when she could not sleep at night, it breaks my heart that I raised my voice when she did not like the food that we were giving her. I am sorry.

I really miss you so much. I want you to be alive and be there when I go back on vacation. I want you to be able to taste the food that I cook, which they love, I want you to be back in your room, where I sleep now when I am home, I want you to be back with me. Back with us. I want everything to be back when you, me and ate would walk back home from Auntie Gud’s house. I miss everything about you even the things I disliked. I really miss you auntie emma.

Many things to do March 20, 2008

Posted by leukemicnut in Life.
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Time management has been one of the things I have been working on and have consistently failed at. I have a final exam in 3 days, an essay regarding the “City of my Dreams”, and two final exams on the 28th. Despite that, I have managed to write this blog, cook some tuna spaghetti, watch American Idol, watch parts of Stranger than Fiction, which I have seen already before, twice, and of course, daydream. I have been a master at wasting time. The last five minutes spent writing this is a testament to my improving skills of time management.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery March 20, 2008

Posted by leukemicnut in Factoids.
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Antoine de Saint-Exupery was actually shot down by a german fighter who was a fan of his books.  He just shot the french plane that hovered above him, which was manned by Saint-Exupery. His book “The Little Prince” happens to be one of my favorite books, and may I add that “The Alchemist”, which for me was sort of a copycat, really fails in comparison. Read this story from Kotke.org.

What must be done March 19, 2008

Posted by leukemicnut in Life.
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Holy week. Finals week.  This is the time when I am my weakest.  And I have fallen so many times.  The next few days will have to be spent thinking about my priorities.  A professor told our class on our last meeting that we should find a cause much bigger than ourselves, and to live our lives according to that.  I think I have found that cause, I just need to be consistent.

I have to let go of unforgiveness and hatred.  It affects me not the person I hate.  Forgiveness.

I have to realize that time has to be spent wisely.  It is easy to read and even say it, but doing it is a different story.

Joy. I pray for lots of it.

God.  I pray that I come to the point where I can truly, truly say that I live for Him alone.  I really hope I get there.

This holy week, I just hope that I realize the things that are important to me; God, my family, relationships, doing what I can to make this world better (Yes, Charm, this is your dose of my messianic complex, SUE ME)

Ruined March 17, 2008

Posted by leukemicnut in Life.
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Self-destruction is within my control. And I seem to be dumb enough to do it quite frequently. Things are better, but I seem to always forget why they are that way.  I do my part, but it is largely because of God.

When things are at their worst, you can count on the fact that things will be better.  That tomorrow, you can do something about it and slowly build what you have ruined because of stupidity and sin. I just hope the consequences are limited to me and not to ripple to my family. God no.

Speed racer March 16, 2008

Posted by leukemicnut in entertainment.
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Based DAW on some cartoon show. I am excited to see it nonetheless. Well, the trailer is good, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that it really is good.