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Male vanity November 30, 2006

Posted by leukemicnut in Uncategorized.
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Vain. I would never use that to describe myself. Ever. Or so I thought. For my birthday, Charm gave me a Shiseido Anti-dark circle cream for my eyes. I was amused that she gave me something like that because applying things to my face, even more, my eyes, have never been something appealing for me. That’s the reason my face has all this craters. hahaha! But I did apply it and nothing happened the next day or two days after. Charm said it is not a magic cream, and I agree but there’s something in me that expects fast results. Maybe not for this damaged skin of mine. From a simple eye cream, I realized that I had indeed dark circles in my eyes and that my eyes are puffy. Then came the three lines in my forehead, three lines!! Wrinkles at 22! How could that be? But that’s only on the right side of my forehead. There’s slight beginnings at the middle and left side of my forehead. No wonder my cousins call me lolo! I never took those comments seriously, but now, I think I have to.

I guess it doesn’t help that I have two close friends who are embodiment of male vanity. I will forego mentioning names but these men are really vain. And they are not gay, just to make the record straight. I have to clarify because many people still equate male vanity with homosexuality. I guess their vanity got rubbed into my consciousness unconsciously. Before, puffy eyes never bothered me. Zitz in my face rarely affected my self-esteem. I guess I took it to the extreme by stopping to care for myself. I was satisfied that I use an anti acne soap and benzoyl peroxide. I was satisifed with walking, brisk or not, as my form of exercise. Now, I should know better. I’m not getting any younger and thus I have to take care of myself more. However, there are many hindrances to that and in my assessment, that includes law school, but that is for another entry. I hope to start doing a regular form of exercise. I can go to the gym, play badminton or attend a yoga class. The fact that my weight stays at 130 lbs. no matter what and how much I eat is a source of envy for many people, but it is something that bothers me. My body weight does not give me a sign of the effects of what I eat on my body. Also, my body type is still the same as when I entered puberty. Lanky. I really hope to add some weight and add some muscle. Of course, healthily. No steroids. I won’t go that far.

I also hope I have enough money to go to a dermatologist and have my uber-damaged skin checked. Years of neglect resulted to these horrible craters and spots. Even my back has acne!

I also realized that I have not bought any clothes for the oast year or so. My new clothes were gifts and usually they are tourist shirts from different places in the Philippines and abroad. Fashionistas would probably call me as someone in a fashion slump. I still have cargo pants for crying out loud! I only have a sneaker in good condition, the other one looks like a pair salvaged from a train wreck. I have a 5 year old leather shoes which I used in my high school and undergrad graduation, and I don’t have plans of using them during my law school graduation. That would mean I got totally stuck in a fashion time warp!

These are but a few of what I have neglected to do, and plan to do. Hopefully, I will be able to do some of them. Vain? I may still not consider myself that. But that does not mean I should stop taking care of myself.

Birthday. Blessed. November 28, 2006

Posted by leukemicnut in Uncategorized.
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Today, I turn 22. I still feel like I’m so much younger than that, but my face tells a different story. Haha! I’ve come to accept the fact that I am getting older, but I am not old. Enough of this age crap.

It’s my birthday and I’m gonna make sure its going to be a special one, my way. Ayoko nang umasa sa iba para maging masaya ang kaarawan ko. There is no sour note in this piece, not a single one. It’s a piece about my blessings, and those are what make me happy and joyful and thankful.

First is that I have a great family. I admit I don’t have perfect family, duh. No one does. But the family I keep is quite unique. My sister, who I love to tease, is someone I really love. Kahit “pangit” tawag niya sa akin, mas pangit siya. Haha. We’ve learned to depend on each other through all the things we’ve been through.

Of course, my mothers. There are two of them. Auntie Emma and Auntie Gud. Two women I truly admire and love. Well they became my mothers when my biological mother died. So I really have three. What a blessed life.

Then my father figure. That would be my Tito Gil. He has taught me a lot about family and generosity. I truly admire and respect him for all that he has done. Yes, we have a weird, and for some people, distant relationship, but it works, in some way. Or it could be that I just make myself believe that it works so that its easier to swallow. That’s beside the point. For all the quirkiness in our relationship, I will never lose my respect and admiration for this man.

Of course, my cousins. Shine, Ming, Cheese, Jo, Day, Mark, Tong, Mig. These are the people I grew up with. They made my childhood so memorable. Especially with our games back in Pangasinan that involved imaginary enemies and weird pageants. hahaha

I am also thankful for my friends. All of them. They have made my past 22 years worth remembering.

I have to mention some for the special impact they have mAde in my life.

Ivan. This man has no idea how he has helped me, or maybe he has, but that does not matter. He has always reminded me to keep God as the center of my life and to continue my walk no matter what is happening around me. He has always challenged me to be better and do better. I learned a lot of things from him. And he is one of two persons who really know me.

That second person would be Bhong. I am thankful that with the few years that I have known this man, I know he will stick with me through thick and thin. Talking with him is like talking to myself or blogging, I just speak my mind. I am truly thankful for the opportunity to have known him.

Of course, my psych barkada. Anne, Chinky, Choy, Maria and Nikko. They have made my undergrad days really fun. The expensive dinners which I hesistantly joined, the inuman where I just drunk water, and of course the tambay, where we chatted, or smoked, or drank or just stared. I am truly proud to be a part of their lives and thankful that they are part of mine.

How could I forget my law school barkada. Charm, Greta, Rianne, Tere, Rom, Bhong, Kate. Law school would have been so boring without you. The dinners, lunches, note passing, back biting, trying to control back biting, and the eating and eating and eating. Such a pleasure getting to know all of them. Each one of them have helped me in one way or another. I have to thank Charm for sharing in my krung krung moments. I also enjoyed our movie and hollywood talks.

Lastly, I really am thankful to God. For everything. For his love, truly unconditional. For his blessings and for his guidance. Without him, I would not have been where I am and I would not be secure about my future. Getting to know him has not been smooth sailing for me nor do I pretend that I have been consistent. But despite that, he has been consistently there, no matter what. Loved. That is what I always feel. Thankful for his grace that though I do not deserve His love, he still offers it. Blessed. That is my life.

Thoughts November 7, 2006

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Someday he might regret leaving. He knew he had to go somewhere, somewhere where there is no middle ground. Either way he loses something. Something that will define him. Something that defines him. Either way he would be leaving something, someone. But the other one will not come back. The other one is where he gets his strength from. That him is me. Right now. This very moment. I chose leaving home, pursuing my dreams. Leaving my family. Going to my spiritual family. Sad. Either way, sad.

No room for worries and regrets. I came back to pursue my dreams, but what have I given up? Walking blind. That is me. Right now. This very moment. Uncertain about everything about my future, well almost everything. Save for one thing. And that is what is keeping me going. The certainty of my future in the hands of someone I do not see but I know exists. In the hands of someone I talk to, without eye contact. In the hands of someone I cannot tacitly hold. Those hands are the only thing that is certain in my life.

Death is fact. But is it the truth in this situation? I do not know. I have faith that it is not. Will things be the same? They will not be. Damage. Inevitable. Can I minimize it? I hope I can, and I’m going to try my best to do so.

Sadness. Joy. Facts. Truths. They do come together, painfully joyful. Sucks that it makes sense.

Strength. That is a need.

Love. Full.

Crying. Relief. Secret.

It is like getting ripped open. No blood. Just pain. Just me.

Friends. Thanks.

Faith. Just believe.