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Halfway between had and have. October 15, 2006

Posted by leukemicnut in Uncategorized.
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Going to church used to be, for me, about meeting my friends and being with them. Yes, I loved the message, the songs, but in the end, it’s really about going back to a family, my spiritual family. Over the past 5 months, I began just going to church without spending a minute interacting with the people there. There’s the occasional handshake and hello but that’s it. No more 30-minute chats outside or a conversation over how funny the pastor’s joke was. I lost touch with the people that I’ve built friendships with. And it has deleterious effects in my life. It seems that I’ve lost an important part of who I am and that I am utterly left with a hole in my personality. These were the people I used to run to when law school sucked and when quitting was the best idea that crossed my mind. Now, I end up without friends outside of law. I love my friends in law, I do. But my life is not only about law, neither do I plan to make it the center of mine, not now, not ever.

I really don’t know what to do. Or maybe I do, I just don’t want to do it. Church still recharges me, but I really miss the relationships I had there. Yes, had. Or maybe halfway between had and have.

How not to diss. October 15, 2006

Posted by leukemicnut in Uncategorized.
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Funny how one gets used to doing one thing over a long period of time that even if it is wrong, it becomes right. The truth gets blurred and one gets sucked into thinking that what used to be wrong is now the right thing to do. Worse, there’s no longer and no recollection over how wrong it really is. That has happened to me and my barkada.

I guess it just started with a simple conversation regarding the way people around us affect us. Then it became a habit we did every time we ate out or every time we had time to be by ourselves. Then ‘other people’ became the sole topic of conversation no matter what we were doing, even if we were in class (thank God for note passing!).

I would have a feeling that what we were doing was not right, but it was a very negligible one. I simply ignored it. I eventually had a favourite person to diss and so did all of us. Or most of us. Then the favourites of other people became my favourites to, or sort of. I just began to see the diss-able part of the people we talked about. The people I used to get along with now started to look and seem hatable, if such a term exists.

The good part about this bad thing, masked as a good thing, because of the frequency of it being done, is that one eventually realizes the evil it holds. Interacting with the people we usually diss is painful. I had to pretend to be eager and enthusiastic about one person’s story, but in my mind, I’ve already walked away from the very first sentence we exchanged. I began spending my time ONLY with my barkada and time with other people was not as fun. That part is not really bad, however, the reason I didn’t enjoy being with other people was because of the nad things circling in my head about them. Bhong was the one who first proposed the idea of stopping the dissing. I agreed right away because I knew that I needed someone to hold me accountable over such thing. Then the rest of the barkada eventually agreed to join. The fun part about our agreement not to diss is the penalty. Yes, a punishment can be fun, but not lose its viability. Every time we diss, we have to end up paying 20 pesos. Each violation is tallied by Rom and we pay up at the end of the month. The person with the least violation at the end of the month gets to choose the restaurant or the food with which we are going to spend the money on. The latter part is the fun part for me; the paying isn’t, especially when you’re the frontrunner. I really hope this works, I realized the interacting people really is difficult especially if one has preconceived notions about the other person, of if one knows about another’s garbage. 2 weeks is a really short span to know the efficacy of this agreement, but it has seemed to lessen the dissing. We end up talking about each other over our lunches and dinners and we get to know each other more. I think that’s more important.