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Paranoid Freak! September 23, 2005

Posted by leukemicnut in Uncategorized.
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Lemster tampururot! Those were the two words that made me smile, genuinely, for the first time today. I said to myself that I won’t entertain the evil thoughts that people are abandoning me, one by one, and that there’s nothing that I can do about it except to pull back from the realtionship to avoid getting hurt. That’s what I did during lunch time, pull way back that it hurts looking at them from afar.

It started with lunch yesterday, Bhong and Donna went ahead and though I wanted to catch up with them, something in me said that it was sign of being left behind. So what did I do? I pretended that it was okay and that I had no prblem with it. But I avoided them at the libe, during the make-up class and though I planned not to, the entire morning.

Wrong move on my part because by 2 pm, I could not study and I could not even concentrate on what I had to do becasue I knew that I did something terrible. And worse was that it affected the manner it which i dealt with other people. So I went to the chapel to find my center and texted people about being sorry for the way I acted. I texted Ivan for the first time in a few days and it was refreshing to know that I can always count on him. I realized the double life that I live. I realized that I was living in a fake world, full of lies and uncertainty. I realized that my insecurity in my frienships was coming from the fact that people in my life have left me, and that had hurt me so bad that I’m afraid it will happen again. It’s not an excuse, it’s what I really think causes my paranoid tendencies. I just really asked God to remind me of my security in Him.

Of all the people, Bhong was the one I really think ’caused’ it. I use it for a lack of a better term. It was because he is the only person in the block who knows what I’ve been through and what I’m going through right now. I would say that he is one of my closest friends, at this point in time. And I really owed him an explanation because he said that I was ‘distant’ for the past 2 days. So I told him the reason, and he felt guilty. Nyork! That was not the intent. Mas naguilty tuloy ako.

He even emailed me to explain his side and why he is taking responsibility for it. I had to reply to clarify that he did not do anyhting eorng because eating ahead is perfectly normal, I just had a weird paranoia attack or something.

But the good thing is that I’m better now. Bhong and I have cleared up the issue, I’ve texted everyone that might have been affected by my weird reaction. Now, I can move one and start growing up.

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Sugar Bowl and the Krung-krung week September 16, 2005

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I hate this week. I really do. This has been probably the worst week of my adolescent life because I felt like really killing myself. (for those who are reading this without my permission, don’t talk to me about it.)Good thing there is no gun in the house nor pills to overdose on. I can’t find the reason for waking up and to do the stuff that I have to do. Every day seems sooo long and sooo overwhelming that I really entertained the idea of ending the suffering. The problem was I know how to end the krung-krung tendencies, but I just don’t have the courage to do it. I have failed so many times in the past, that I’m afraid to even to do it again. To move and live like today never happened, as sung by Switchfoot – that is the challenge.

I also hate the relationships that I have. Everytime I become close with someone, something sinister enters my mind, which causes me to sort of retreat from the relationship. And I become a jealous freak. And to think that I’m talking about a friendship here. Not a romantic relationship. Argh! I don’t understand myself. Am I not supposed to be over this? I’m 20 years old for crying out loud and I’m having issues regarding my platonic relationship.. There is something wrong with me.

The week has started out fine because of a good recit in Method. But it was downhill after that. And the slope was really steep. Crap. Now I find myself in the bottom of a cliff and nowhere to turn to and with no idea of where I am going. I know what I want to do, but it seems so difficult. I really want to give up. Listening to the radio is one of the things that keep me sane, 98.7 that is. It reminds me of what I used to have and what I’m missing right now. It makes me happy and sad at the same time.

Good thing dinner tonight happened. It reminded me of how much memories I have created with my Undergrad friends. I missed them sooo much. And I wanted to talk to them again and update each other on what we’ve been up to lately. I miss just hanging out at PHAn or the monthly dinner. They reminded me of what I want to do and why I am in law school. They reminded me of who I really am. This happened while I was just talking to them. Krung-krung tendencies may not leave me, but I’ll not allow the situation to overcome me, I have a God who can overcome anything. If only my actions showed that I believed in one…

I love my friends…Anne, Chinky and Choy..Thanks..Though you don’t know how much you’ve helped me tonight. I hope to see you guys soon.

Supposed to be studying September 10, 2005

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I hated myself last night, again for the nth time. This was because I was supposed to sleep from 7:30-8:00 but I woke up at 3am and I was still sleepy. I ended up sleeping for 12 hours. Argh!

And this morning, I planned to study the whole morning and afternoon. But it’s 4pm already and I haven’t done a thing. I really need to get my butt off this chair. I need to start seriously walk the talk and to follow my dreams. I really need to be serious about what I’m doing.

Pissed! September 8, 2005

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I hate this evening. For some reason, my day went from good to hell. And nothing caused it. I’m just freaking pissed off at the world in general. If I could only ram into one car while driving, I would’ve. I’m so Pissed and I think I know why. It’s not law school because I’m enjoying it, it’s not anyone in the house because I really don’t care that much about what’s going on. This means it’s about me? Heck! Being a psych major sucks because I am dissecting my own situation. I know I am the reason I’m pissed at the world because I am Pissed off at myself! My crappy self. My stupid self. My spineless self.

I feel like I’m following my dream but I am doing it not in the grand manner. I’m following my vision but my eyes are quite blurred. I know where I’m going but really I am not sure if I’m heading in the right direction. Is this the quarter-life crisis? Nope. It’s not. It’s just a crisis. Caused by no one else but me. I caused this myself. And I have to fix it. Or stay pissed and crappy.

After three months…stupidity reigns September 7, 2005

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My last entry was last June. I just wanted to write something today because for the first time in my law school life, I’ve cut class. I’ve cut class before during my psych days, but this is law school! This is something that I really want to do.. Or do I? A week ago, I was seriously contmeplating dropping out of law school, just go back to Pangasinan, find a decent job and take care of my Auntie Emma. But I chose to stay here, to work my ass off everyday, although I admit that I slack off most of the time. I don’t read every case for all my subjects. I rely on digest and on prayer that I might not get called. I think there’s something terribly wrong with that attitude.

I have to be prepared not because I think I will be called but because I want to learn everythin about the law. I want to become the best lawyer. I even said in my interview that I believe I canm be great lawyer. But where am I today? Salcking off in law school. I cannot and should not allow this, but heck I did!!! And I cannot find the reason to not allow myself to slack off. My center is unstable and that’s what scares me. I’m supposed to be following my dream here and I couldn’t get my act together. I feel stupid because ebertyhing’s set out for me. all I have to do is to make the right decisions. Is that difficult? Theoretically, NO! But in reality, I suck at it! Crap! I really need to get my act together. Now or never. I really want this, but my ispiration is slowly being taken away or rather I’m slowly pushing it away. That’s how stupid I am. Stupid. Stupid.