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Swollen eyes May 27, 2005

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My left eye is swollen. I don’t know why, probably an insect bit me, I have a hunch that it was a cockroach. That’s because I slept in the sala back in pangasinan. Argh! Shine and I planned that we’ll go to SM to buy our school stuffs today but because of my wonderful situation, we’re staying here at home. Good thing that this happened before enrolment and not during that period. What a first impression if I had swollen eyes on the day of orientation.

One more week and classes will start, back to being a student. Weeks ago, I planned that I will be working already. But things changed. I really want to work because I really want to help out financially. Especially now that Shine, Tong and Mark are all in college, it seems appropriate for me to help out. But I don’t want to risk my law education. I’ll do this for a year. then I’ll work. That’s the plan, I hope it will work out.

Law is something I’m excited about. Back in October, I didn’t see myself taking up law and now I’m about enrol. I know that that this is God’s plan for me. But I am also nervous because I know Law will be tough, especially in UP. Kinakabahan ako.

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Bleeding May 25, 2005

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I’m literally bleeding. I pulled an in-grown from one of my toes, and its now bleeding. I can’t feel the pain though. I just want to write about how it sucks that Agassi’s out of the FRENCH OPEN. I hope this year’s tournament will not be boring like the past years. That’s because most of the top players don’t get through to the later rounds. I better attend to my toe.

Law School!! May 18, 2005

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Sunday night I had a dream that I was admitted to the UP College of Law! A friend of mine saw my name on the list. BUT the scene changed because my name was misspelled and so I went to the College Secretary and found out that I actually didn’t pass and it was a different person. Bad dream.

I really want to pass. Then Monday afternoon Pau texted.

“CONGRATS!!! So pano kita na tayo sa enrollment. Glory be 2 God.”

I didn’t know what she was talking about, or I pretended that I didn’t know. I called her and she said she saw my name on the final list of accepted applicants on the UP Law Website! I was trembling because this was what I was waiting for. I always believed that I could pass and that I would but hearing the news was different because this was the real thing. I was really accepted.

I didn’t text everybody yet because I wanted to see for myself. But that was not going to happen because the College’s server had problems. I think. I just asked friends to check the website for me. I eventually texted everyone because Pau had no reason to lie and that it would be impossible for her to see my name there if I really didn’t pass.

Thank God that I passed. Now all I have to decide on is whether I’ll be a full-time student or a working one. I want to help out in the present financial circumstances at home, but I don’t know if I can work at go to Law School at the same time. I have no idea where I’ll work, though I hope I get the SET position. I also don’t know how challenging law school is. My eldest half-brother seems to be interested in helping out. But what will he ask in return? Do I have to think about that? Will my uncle approve that I do not work? Because he is the one who wants me to work already. I am confused.

By the way, I’m getting a contact lens. At last.

Pressure May 11, 2005

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I hate it when people want me to do something that I am already doing. It’s like people telling me what to do, but in the first place I’m already doing it. It makes me furious because they can know that I’m already doing it, if they only had time to ask. Ayokong pinipilit ako. Kayo na lang gumawa.

My tito seems to want me to find a job asap. Duh! I know I need one, but please give me time to settle things before I move forward. There’s too much uncertainty out there.

Kaya ko bang isabay sa law ang trabaho? Kakayanin ko yan.

May trabaho ba na malapit lang sa UP? Sana makuha ako dun.

Papasa ba ako ng law? Naniniwala ko na OO.

Pero sana pagbigyan na muna ako na i-enjoy ang huling mga araw na makakasama ko ng ganito ang mga kaibigan ko. Pambihira! Maglalaw na ang iba, magmemed din ang ilan. May mga iba na magtatrabaho, at may ilan na magpapahinga ng isang taon. Hindi ko na sila makikita na kasing dalas ng dati, kaya gusto kong lubusin ang mga panahong magkakasama kami. Hindi naman masama ang magliwaliw. Apat na taon din akong kumayod para matapos ang kurso ko. At may mga plano akong mag-aral ulit. Pero gusto mo na ring magtrabaho. At pinagdarasal ko na mangyari lahat ng plano ko.

Hindi nakakatulong na bawat usapan ay tungkol sa trabaho. Hindi ko kaya ang pressure na kailangan kong pag-aralin ang sarili ko. Alam ko naman na yun ang realidad, pero sana ay hindi mo pinapamukha sa akin parati. Naghahanap naman ako ng trabaho, hindi lang ako makapag-apply sa laht ng gusto ko kasi wala pang resulta ang UP LAW. Ayoko naman pagurin ang sarili ko sa pag-apply sa isang kumpanya sa Ortigas o Makati, at hindi ko rin naman kukunin dahil sa mahihirapan akong sa biyahe pag ako ay pumasok sa Law. Sana maintindihan ako.

Uuwi muna ako. Kailangan ko ng pahinga sa responsibilidad. Kailangan kong lumayo. Sana pagbalik ko ay maintindihan kita. O maintindihan mo ako. Gusto ko talagang maglaw at magtrabaho. Hindi mo kailangan ipamukha at ipaalala na maghanap ako ng trabaho. Kung joke lang yun. Walang nakakatawa at hindi ako natatawa. Naiinis lang ako.

Pangasinan. Hintayin mo ako.hehe Sana may matanggap akong balita na maganda habanag nandun ako. Lord, guto kong pumasa sa Law. Naniniwala ako na kaya mo. Sana alisin mo ang galit at inis sa puso ko. Ikaw na bahala.

hay. May 10, 2005

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Kinakabahan ako, pero hindi ko alam kung bakit.

Gusto kong umiyak, pero bakit?

Di ko maintindihan…

Gusto kong kumawala, pero mula sa ano?

Pakiramdam ko nasasakal ako, kailangan kong umalis.

Parang konti na lang, konti na lang.

Sana kaya ko. Kakayanin ko.

Para sayo lahat ng ito, di ko kaya kung wala ka.

Sana maayos lahat. Umayos lahat.

Ang sakit, pero saan nanggagaling? Paano mawawala ito?

Sa totoo lang, gusto kong mamatay. Kahit sandali lang.

Kahit ngayon lang. Puwede ba yun?

Hindi ko kaya.

Malapit na ba?

Paano na?

Tulong.

Sana mawala na.

Isa lang ang pag-asa.

SIGAWWWWWWW!!!!!

Gusto kong manapak.

Kahit dingding lang. Kahit unan ko na lang.

Bakit ganito?

Bakit?

Bakit?

Ikaw na bahala.

La akong magawa.

Gusto kong mawala.

Ayoko na.

Pero ano ang inaayawan ko?

Alin ang di ko gusto?

Sana masagot.

Sagot, sana.

Hahanapin ko.

Sana mahanap ko.

Naiiyak ako.

Wag akong kausapin.

Ayokong pagusapan.

Ako na bahala.

Kami na bahala.

Wag magtanong.

Gusto kong masaktan.

Sakit, sana.

Pero di ko kaya.

Sayo na to.

Tulungan mo ako.

May mga tumatawa.

Sana may galak.

Hanggang panlabas lang.

Gusto ko ng tunay.

Yung totoo.

Yung tatagal.

Sayo lang makukuha.

Sana ibigay mo.

Ikaw lang.

Ikaw…

Committment May 9, 2005

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So many things have happened to me for the past two months. There are things that I am proud of, and some that I am not proud of. There were a lot of time that I would just like to give myself a good kick in the head using steel-toed boots because of stupid things I did. Committment to something always scares me, the word seems to ask something from me that I don’t know I can give. I’m not talking about romantic relationship here, but it can also be applied in that area. I’ve always been bad at keeping committments, and Saturday night was the night I said to myself that I had enough of shallow committments that I end up breaking.

I just lay on the sunny beach and just promised God that I’ll stay true to my committment. No pleasure in the world can make me trade my relationship with him. I was angry at myself for being stupid and allowing things to happen without a fight. I asked myself if I was wiiling to make that trade, a life of instantaneous pleasure but only temporary and fleeting or one that is fully devoted to him and a life and eternity of basking in his love and presence. I made my choice and that was to follow him no matter what. It’s easier said than done. I know that because I’ve made this committment before, but still failed to do it.

So what makes me sure I won’t break it again this time? I don’t trust myself. So “I” is not the reason I can keep this. I just lay down my life before a greater power. I know I’ll be a failure by myself, it’s God that makes me and will make me overcome all the hindrances to my committment. I am scared. I am scared because I might fail again. But I can’t live my life like the way I did, I have to choose between risking failure, or being a failure because I didn’t take the risk. But with God, victory is assured, and that’s what keeps me at peace. I can be in faith with anything that I do. I can believe for impossible things to happen because there is no limit to His power.

Sana hindi hanggang sa salita lang ito. I really would have to prepare those steel-toed boots when I fail at this committment again and give myself some hard kick in the head. Lord, ikaw na bahala. I am dead to myself and I live for you alone. Total dependence.

BEACH at last! May 8, 2005

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At last! I went to the beach over the weekend and I had a blast! The ride to Nasugbu was around 4 hours and the van that we used had no airconditioner! But by the time we got there, it was all about the sun and the beach and more of the beach.

Most of my friends spent the lunchtime sunbathing! No one was scared that all the UV rays could cause skin cancer in the future, but I eventually joined them. We all just lay flat on the shore and just basked in the sun in its full power. For the first time I was able to swim in an area of a beach where I had to tread because the water was too deep. It was soooooo fun because there’s some fear of drowing but I was able to overcome it. The idea that you could not make it back to shore scared me everytime I went to the beach, but I was able to over come it. But the buoys helped because I could hand on to them and rest. hehe And because of that I was able to see the sunset from the bouy. It was the best view in the world! And I now have a mental picture of what my infinity pool will look like. I just have to find the place and miney to build one.haha INFINITY POOOOOOLLLLL!!!!!!!

All that happened yesterday.

This morning, we went to another beach and it was so much better that the one we stayed for the night. The sand was whiter but not really white but the best part was that the water was clear so that I can see the bottom of the beach. And there were fishes in the beach! And we could see them even without going underwater! Sobrang saya! Then Glai and I went to the deep part of the beach and the water was cooler but itchier. I had fun just floating and treading. Then for some reason, a creature clung to my back, a very small, hard one, sort of stung me. TWICE! This made me swim for my life back to shore that I totally forgot that I was with two of my friends. I could have asked help from them, but I forgot to do that. Silly.

We spent some more time just basking in the sun. And the result was a darker complexion! Yehey! Mer has a tan line though, which was so funny because he did not like to remove his sando while sunbathing, which caused a ‘razorback’ mark on his back.haha

My shoulders feel sunburnt as well but I can manage. I really want this to happen again! Heck, I wanted it to last forever! I want a beach for myself with my friends and we can swim all we want, anytime we want. I’ll miss all my friends, I’ll leave this senti stuuff for another blog, I’m still too happy after a great weekend. I’m back to the real world, but I hope I can stay true to the committment I made yesterday. A COMMITTMENT I PRAY I’LL NEVER BREAK AGAIN. EVER!

I’m still looking forward to another beach adventure. I’ll probbaly dream about the beach, I hope I do! I love the beach!

Starbucks! May 4, 2005

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Take the quiz: “Which Starbucks Drink Are You? (Great Pictures)”

Starbucks Frappucino
Starbucks Frappucino(www.myspace.com/andrew2)

Weird. I have never been a fan of fraps. So after taking the test over and over and over and over again, I finally got satisfied with the result. hehe

Take the quiz: “Which Starbucks Drink Are You? (Great Pictures)”

Starbucks Hot Machiatto
Starbucks Hot Machiatto(www.myspace.com/andrew2)

I drank one a few hours ago and I really think that Starbucks Katipunan baristas make the best Caramel Macchiato. The right combination of caramel and espresso shots. Yummy! The one I bought at SM Fairview tasted good enough but was quite bitter, I didn’t taste the caramel except on the first sip.

Am I killing myself? May 3, 2005

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On my way to school this morning, I bumped into a batchmate of mine who was accepted for UP College of Law. We talked about working and studying at the same time for the next five years of my life. She plans to just study for the first sem to have a feel of the academic atmopshere and load as well.

Studying and working is a reality that I have to consider because I think I will be admitted to the College (I’m keeping my fingers crossed). But that would also mean that I would spend my entire day working for a company or for the government and spend the rest of the night studying. 8-5 job and a 6-9 class. Where would I put the thing called STUDYING? I’m a morning person, I finish and try to do most of the things that I have to during the day because that’s the time that my energy level is high. I can work at night but not late at night, I tend to sleep pretty quickly no matter what I’m doing when the clock’s past 12. I can stay awake past 12 but I can’t do it for loner than 3 days or else I’ll get sick.

I realized that I could be killing myself with this set-up. Who said that I have to support myself through law school?

Patay na kung patay. Nandito na ‘to.

Job application in the Senate Electoral Tribunal was not that encouraging. The humidity even made it worse. The woman who interviewed seem to not have liked what she heard from me because she did not tell me that I was to be interviewed for the second time. I better keep my political views on check and to myself during government interviews. She must have been irked by my views on Gloria or some other people I talked about, or I was just not the person she was looking for. But for some reason, Mam Alice -the one who called me-, told me that I will be interviewed tomorrow at 9:30. Chinky said that the pay seems to be good at around 300/ballot box. And we can finish 3 ballot boxes in a day. That’s 4,500 pesos every week. 18,000 every month! But it’ll only be for 2-3 months. The position I’m applying for is HEAD REVISOR, if I got it right. They’re getting 15 for the position, and they are responsible for heading a team that will count the ballots for John Osmena’s electoral protest.

It seems like a nice job, but a taxing one. I’m tired right now, and I’m not even doing anything that I can call work. Fast forward to a month from now or so, assuming I pass law, I’ll be a working and really busy man. I hope my body can take it.

Ikaw na bahala. ‘Di ko to kaya. Lord, this is for you.

SWIMming!!! May 2, 2005

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I went to Pansol with my family. And good thing that I decided to join them because the first thing that I thought of when I woke up was not to go with them because I thought I was sick. I was not feeling well last night so I decided that I will not go with them. But I felt better when I woke up so I just tagged along.

The water in the pool was warm that Tito Art asked me if my eggs got cooked…thinking about it right now, the joke was funny. I really wanted to swim and get darker or as some would put it, to ‘get a tan’. That’s why I stayed in the water for about 4 hours and I was able to swim approximately 20 laps of the pool. Each lap was be around 3 meters, so that’s about 60 meters of cardio exercise. I really needed that exercise after being a bum for the past few days.

Tomorrow will be my interview for the job I’m applying for in the Senate Electoral Tribunal, Tito Art said that it would be a nice job because they don’t do anything there. That’s weird because the last thing I need is a job that I will not do anything. Or just do a few things.

Anyway, I’m happy because I got darker, and got a good exercise. It’s about time body started sweating because of exercise and not just because of the weather.